After much downtime, Seek is up and running again. It’s not quite up to par yet….that’s going to take a bunch of time and effort that as of late I haven’t really had. Sorry. No other excuse. Just sorry.
Lately I really haven’t wanted to do much of anything, except sleep that is. All the time, between work, during work. A few personal things combined with work issues collided and I’ve gone from being a bit too lazy and overworked to full-on depression relapse. It sucks. You know some days, I feel as if I am on top of it and I am the one who is controlling it. Other days, it pushes me around a bit but I’m still holding onto the reins. And every once in a while, luckily less and less as time goes by, I feel like I’m struggling to gasp out breathes before my head goes back under. That’s just the way it it.
I’m having difficulty hauling my ass out of this slump. Slowly the fog is clearing but its an uphill road. A friend commented today that he missed KL. Me too. While depression can be a consuming dark fog, (for me) somewhere there is a choice, a faint memory of the other person, the whole-r one.
And the two are completly and entirely different people. Somehow they both comprise me, but those who haven’t known me well were completely unaware that another person, the person who picks out the wardrobe each morning was lurking in the background. Another friend has taken to calling me sunshine, I’m assuming because I’m always cheery and ready to go. This baffles me. But this is what he sees, I guess.
In church today, I heard an analogy that reminded me of this dicotomy. The stars have their own light that they radiate out, but the moon doesn’t. It merely reflects the sun and when the earth stands in its way, it goes completely dark. Some people I know, seem like stars to me. I don’t understand how they can be so believing all the time, so full of faith in the goodness of this world. I, on the other hand, have little to no light of my own. Yet as I work through this personal struggle, God has met me there in ways that I could never explain. He has given me a sort of gentle grace, a faith or peace of some sort that is wholly outside myself. That is the light that i reflect. And when for some reason, something eclipses this light, all goes pitch black.
While this particular episode was extremely intense and inclusive, it passed fairly quickly. I am intent on not letting that person be me. I had forgotten the all-inclusiveness of depression. But it has sobered me up a bit, forced me to take stock in my life and what I spend the majority of my day thinking about. Perhaps recentered me a bit, i can’t really be sure. And perhaps it will spur me on to stand up for myself when needed.
But anyway, I don’t know why I wrote this other than, it is what is in my head. Where I am this week, and perhaps a halfhearted attempt to explain the slackness of my blog. Sorry, sort of. But I will soon be posting photos of some fun things I’ve been able to do this summer. It’s been a blessed summer on the whole and I want to share about it here.
word out,
kl
